don't get cocky.

i've been continuously irritated by the thoughts of amanda attempting to use my mom as a pawn to stop her from doing as she told her aunt she'd help me do. if she really cared about me as much as she insinuates- she'd take into consideration EVERYTHING i've been through and ALL the work it took me to get here. when i say "ALL the work it took to get here" i OBVIOUSLY mean all of MY hard work to get where i am and i'm NOT stopping here because my mom or anyone else who HAS NOT WENT THROUGH THE SHIT I HAVE supposedly "want" for me. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?! YOU KNOW.. THE OWNER OF THIS LIFE. i think back to a phone conversation i had with my grandma a long time ago and she mentioned how she threatened my mom IF she EVER stole money from me when my grandma was dead, she told my mom that she'd "regret it" (now that i read this over, it's pretty fuckin sad when a grandma has to threaten her daughter NOT to steal from her granddaughter.. THAT'S THE KIND OF "MOM" I HAD THOUGH! ASK MY BROTHER JAY IF YOU NEED PROOF!). i know my grandma scared the hell outta my mom- if she didn't, there would have been NO way my mom would've taken me to her house to see my grandma when she was still alive. she didn't do it because she genuinely wanted to see me like a normal parent would want to see their offspring because she would've never left me at her apartment ALONE when i was wheelchair dependant a LONG TIME AGO just to go to the damn bar. i KNOW my grandma would be disappointed with amanda because she's basically not helping to do what she CLAIMED she'd do and using my mom as an excuse. IF my mom REALLY cared about ME, she NEVER would've held me in front of her while my dad was kicking and beating on her. i've had TWO surgeries on my bowel so far because of the kick to my abdomen where my mom used me as a shield and in-directly trying to use me as an excuse why my dad should stop hitting her because i was there while my dad was hitting and kicking at my mom. first of all- my dad should've never been hitting my mom in the first place but i thought about this one night, i'm PRETTY SURE he wasn't fluent in english.. so to be THAT pissed off at someone when you don't even understand them is somethin- she must've REALLY pissed him off.. i'm assuming he was drinking though, so that probably changes things also. a person has to be pretty fucking irritating for you to want to kick them when your own daughter is present. i will admit that my mom pisses me off pretty bad.. it's probably a good thing that i'm seeing a psychologist to talk about my temper also. BUT I SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO THROW EVERYTHING I'VE BUSTED MY ASS TO GET JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE OLDER THAN ME AND WHO IS ONE OF THE CAUSES OF MY PTSD CAN'T HANDLE ME MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT. I CAME FROM A FUCKING COMA- TO A DAMN WHEELCHAIR, WALKERS AND TREKKING POLES.. TIL FINALLY A CANE. KEVIN (THE THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY) TOLD ME NOT TO RETURN TO COURAGE KENNY IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY WALKER OR TREKKING POLES. HE WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MAKING IT LOOK LIKE COURAGE KENNY WAS ACTUALLY HELPING ME. NONE OF MY STRENGTH CAME FROM DAMN COURAGE KENNY. THEY ASSISTED ME IN LETTING ME WALK AROUND THEIR BUILDING BUT I COULD'VE GOT THAT ANYWHERE. I'M NOT LYING WHEN I SAY ALL CREDIT FOR ME BECOMING AMBULATORY IS OWED TO TRAM HOLLOWAY- WHO MY GRANDMA FOUND BECAUSE SHE REALIZED COURAGE KENNY WASN'T DOING SHIT FOR ME AND I WASN'T PROGRESSING WITH ACTUAL RESULTS. he told her that he'd have me out of my wheelchair and i could tell my grandma really didn't believe it but would try anything- and i THANK HIM FOR THE WORK HE DID ON ME TO GET ME ON MY FEET AGAIN. amanda is like everyone else in this fuckin world who doesn't want to see any progress if she doesn't get credit for it and they can't do better than her. NO THANKS go to her. she can't handle me living a productive life if she doesn't get credit for it- which is also a reason why she tries to keep me here, so people can assume she's actually helping me because i'm in the same state as her. to tell you the truth- i honestly don't remember the last time i seen or even SPOKE to her or any of my other family members (except joe and jay), yet i'm expected to throw away EVERYTHING i've done just for family because as you can see- they care about me SO MUCH.. *ROLLS EYES*. I'M NOT LYING ABOUT THE SHIT THEY DON'T DO FOR ME TO JUST "KEEP THE PEACE" AND MAKE A LOVING FAMILY IMAGE.. THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST BURIED ME IN A COFFIN IF THIS IS WHAT KIND OF "CARE" AND "SUPPORT" THEY EXPECT ME TO RECEIVE. oh but then the thought: amanda has never experienced ANY of the shit i have and she don't care enough about me to be genuinely empathetic and supportive. so it's like driving in a car without a steering wheel. i "GOT THIS!" though. that's her excuse of "support" without offering me any resources and/or care. she NEVER answers my phone calls when i used to try to call her and she DOESN'T return my voicemails. i've gave up on calling her because i'm sick of wasting my time. my psychologist asked me, "has amanda ever dealt with disabled or handicapped people in her life?" and i said straight out to her, "pfft.. i don't think so." IF AMANDA'S MOM EXPECTED HER TO QUIT HER JOB AND LIVE BY HER- WOULD SHE LIKE THAT? NO EXCEPTIONS. JUST QUIT, JUST TO LIVE BY YOUR MOM. that's what the situation would be like for amanda if she was in my shoes. she can easily reply, "well my mom works and she'd never do that." but what if your mom DIDN'T work and DID do that- so you were basically in MY SHOES?! that's called EMPATHY and she obviously doesn't have it. it's times like these where i could pull my grandma's favorite saying outta my ass: "WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND." don't get cocky. speaking from first hand experience- you'll regret it.